A song that finds an echo within my heart…

He knows: let this my comfort be;
He knows the path designed for me;
A healing balm for all my woes—
O blessèd thought! my Savior knows.

Refrain
My prayer for strength to Him is known,
Tho’ breathed in secret and alone;
The weary heart, the tear that flows,
O blessèd thought! my Savior knows!

The thorns that pierce my weary feet;
The low’ring clouds, the storms that beat;
And then, with bliss of calm repose,
O blessèd thought! my Savior knows.
Refrain

He knows: let this suffice for me;
He knows the end I cannot see;
Then let my anxious heart be still,
And patient, wait my Savior’s will.
Refrain

words by Fanny Crosby as found in the Cyber Hymnal.

This might be my lot, but this is the lot from my blessed Lord.

It is Him I want beyond anything else… So if having Him comes with His gifts, then I should gladly receive His gifts no matter how unlovely they might seem to my sinful eyes! After all, He is the one who knows the end I cannot see…

Providence wisely has mingled the cup… Praised be the name of the Lord my God!

I was looking for a biography or a real life story book for my sister to read when I came across the autobiography of Fanny J Crosby. And I’ve been very thankful to God for the book ever since!

True, it’s not that easy to read. Because even though her life is amazing, she was such a poetic person! And she wrote as an American of her time. Which means that there are names and places that she assumed would be familiar to her readers, but which are just not that familiar to me… =(

But as noted above, I have considered the book to be a God-sent – a timely reminder and encouragement! =)

Fanny J Crosby wrote many many hymns. Quite a few of them are available online. However, there is one that I came across in the book, that I just can’t find online… =(

Fanny remembered this about what brought about the hymn:

A very dear friend, having passed through many severe trials, persecutions and sorrows, came to me and telling me of them said, “God has led me all the way and has given me ’songs in the night.’”

With that incident still fresh in my mind I wrote the hymn entitled, “God Leadeth”:

In paths that His wisdom and goodness prepare,
God leadeth His children along;
For He is our Keeper and safe in His care,
God leadeth His children along;
Some through the water, some through the flame,
Some through deep sorrow, but praised be His name,
Where’er He leadeth, He giveth a song,
In the night season, and all the day long.

(Fanny J Crosby – Autobioraphy, p.197)

Another thing I found in the book that I found to be a good reminder at this time is this – a poem by Martin T. Tupper:

Never give up, it is wiser and better
Always to hope than once to despair,
Throw off the yoke with its conquering fetter,
Yield not a moment to sorrow or care,
Never give up, though adversity presses,
Providence wisely has mingled the cup;
And the best counsel in all our distresses
Is the stout watchword, Never give up.

In paths that His wisdom and goodness prepare…

God leadeth His children along…

Some through the water, some through the flame…

Some through deep sorrow, but praised be His name.

With a note of thanks to God for yet another dear brother, who has kindly rebuked me and convinced me that it’s not a good idea to put up a strong front. And who didn’t just leave it at that, but also showed through his actions the love of Jesus by not walking away when I decided to show him what’s really behind the mask, convincing me that there are still others around who’d do what he did… =)

Thankful to God for your time, kindness and care, brother! And for blessing you with sensitivity and maturity beyond your age! =) May God continue be glorified in and through you. (And I’m sorry again about our conversation re. your pet ducks =( sorry…)

Do you know how there are just some people whom you can talk to and who can encourage you through your conversation with them – either through what they said or what they made you realise?

In His kindness, God has blessed me with some friends like that. One of whom I had a conversation with yesterday… A very timely and another God-sent one… =)

A dear brother and friend asked me yesterday how I’m doing. And my answer to him was:

“hmm… I’m glad God is in control?

that’s the answer to your question =)”

And it’s true. I’m glad that He is in control, and that in His perfect wisdom, He never makes mistakes! =)

“… God knows possibilities as well as actualities. Thus God’s knowledge is co-extensive with reality–not only actual reality, but all possible reality, which is infinite, so that He is of infinite knowledge. He knows all the actuality of reality as well as the infinity of its possibilities. This means that He knows how human wills will react to the circumstances in which they find themselves and which He Himself controls. Therefore nothing takes God by surprise. He knows the end from the beginning. His infinite knowledge coupled with His infinite power and infinite goodness mean that He has infinite wisdom. Consequently, He infallibly achieves His purposes and those purposes are beneficient. He is active in forwarding the true interest of His whole creation…”
(The Everlasing God, by Broughton Knox, pp.52-53)

Somehow, ever since I read those words, the bolded (and italicised) sentences have just brought me so much comfort…

I guess especially while I’m still grieving and/or am reminded of the loss through one thing or another…

Just for a note (again) – I’m not talking about my loss of exclusive relationship (as until recently some people seem to still be wondering about that… =)) I think, I’m thankful to God that it ended. Even though if it’s not for God’s wisdom and His kind reminders to me that He is wise and knows better than me, I still want those months back… =)

But yeah, I wanted those months back because it’s the loss of life following that that has affected me SO much!! The missed chance to say good-bye and the promise unkept still haunt me at times… Which is why I think, I’m a lot more slower to give my words to people now… and when I’m promising someone something, I want to make sure it’s something I think I can deliver. Like not promising anyone an amigurumi without first finishing it. Or in the last case, not saying anything to anyone about my RSPCA cupcakes until I managed to make 6 of them (1 to keep, 5 to raise funds)…

I still get teary every time I heard of soldiers got killed. I’m emotional when I heard of heroes or war veterans… And I feel sadden when I see an older man who looks like him or walks or moves in similar ways to him…

And this month of fasting has been tough in its own way as well!

I always had him to greet/congratulate at the end of the month. He won’t be there this time. It’s just strange… I think I should make effort to greet his family…

And the last death in July… His death and the loss of his life and the relationship with him has made this fasting month even more difficult…

Nothing takes God by surprise tough! He knows the end from the beginning! And in His perfect and infinite wisdom and goodness… this is what He has ordained.

Does it make sense to me?

No. Not to the sinful me. But I just have to make sure I don’t lose my focus on Christ. I just have to keep asking God to help me never lose sight of His greatness. That I will never fail to be amazed by His greatness and His love…

Nothing takes God by surprise…

He knows the end from the beginning…

Such comforting thoughts! . . .

And so how am I?

I’m glad God is in control! . . . =)

PS: Thanks for the chat, brother! And the encouragement to enjoy/have fun in talking to God. Thankful to God for you, and for His works in and through you =)

Aren’t they cute?! =)

They are the Sumatran tiger cubs that were born in February 2010 at Melbourne Zoo to resident tigress Binjai and a male tiger Ramalon.

Do you know that no two tigers have exactly the same stripes??

Amazing, hey?! =)

Just like people’s finger prints, I guess…

But yeah, no two tigers with exactly same stripes!!

And so, two nights ago, I had fun trying to work out which one of the Tiger cubs is actually which from all the photos that I took and a picture of their “name cards” (display photo on their enclosure)…

It was fun! And challenging… =)

Especially since two of the tiger cubs on the left hand side of the picture never actually shown their faces – at least not in any of my pictures! =( So I only managed to work out the two cubs on the right hand side of the picture…

But if I have to guess, I think it would be – from left to right – Indrah, Aceh, Hutan and Rani… (I’m pretty certain about Hutan and Rani…)

Anyway, it still amazes me that no two tigers have exactly the same stripes!! =) Isn’t God their Creator amazing?! =)

I guess, that’s why God’s creations at the Zoo never fail to fascinate me!! Because they are just such powerful reminders of the great God who is mine in Christ… =)

PS: picture is watermarked – that’s what the white cloudy thing is…
PPS: I wish they named her Indah instead of Indrah – I guess that spelling will ensure the right pronunciation? =)

A brother once made me aware of the existence of this song:

When I heard it, and read its lyric, somehow I knew that it expressed something deep within me that I couldn’t find words to express… Especially the bit about heart stumbling on things not known…

I think, this time, the domino effect of things have finally caught up with me… The permanent goodbyes involved, have especially been hard to deal with…

One death soon after another and one loss (both permanent and temporary) one after the other – have just been too much. Quite a few of them happened unexpectedly – within a short time gap between them that I just feel I no longer know, or can predict, what’s around the corner… And not just that, but would I be able to cope with another thing that would suddenly turn up around the corner?? Or would that thing finally be the straw that will break the camel’s back…

In the past, whenever I read the story of Jesus and His disciples on Mark 4, when they encountered a wild storm and yet Jesus was soundly sleeping, I always thought – yes, need to keep trusting. But I never really felt what the disciples were feeling. I just could not really relate to their fear or their disbelief that Jesus could be sleeping!!

I just couldn’t really ‘relate’ to them when they (frantically) woke Him and said – “Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?”

I know, they were special people… Jesus wouldn’t have let His apostles perished…

But yeah, I think, up until very recently, I think I never felt that strong sense of fear of being abandoned by my Saviour and my Lord. And of course, sometimes, fear came with disbelief as well! That such a Saviour would be sleeping!! Doesn’t He care that I was perishing? If He is in control, why did He work things out so as to make it harder for me to keep trusting in Him?! (or so it seems…)

Deaths evoke lots of strange emotions within someone. One death evokes a lot of emotions. Three deaths within the span of one year (!), on top of two major temporary loses (a wedding and a break-up) – have been really hard to process…

The thing is though, as a friend told me, unlike other feelings where there is actually something I can do about, I can do nothing but go through it with grieving (of the deaths)… I just have to feel the sadness and go through it…

Books I read say it’s normal to go through what I’m going through when grieving… But i wish it will pass soon? But then, maybe I don’t want the sad feelings to go too soon, because I don’t want to forget about those people yet… But I know, feeling less sad doesn’t equal not loving them or forgetting them… So yeah, as those who are familiar with grieving – I’m just grieving at the moment…

There are plenty of regrets! Especially ones related to the second death… And with that, came lots of anger!! And reminders of my commitment to forgive… And to keep forgiving.

The timing of the third death had been bad (but what death came at a good time?!) – so much so that I found myself kept asking God – “Do You not care?! Are You still alive?! Are You having fun with me?!”

I know that based on what I have learned from the Bible, God is not only sovereign, He is also loving.

But that was something that I just couldn’t see.

A wise ‘father-in-Christ’ told me last week – “You silly girl! You shouldn’t get angry at God! You will only hurt yourself in the long run!” A timely rebuke… A very timely rebuke . . .

When I read the words of this hymn by Godfrey Thring today:

Fierce raged the tempest o’er the deep,
Watch did Thine anxious servants keep
But Thou wast wrapped in guileless sleep,
Calm and still.

“Save, Lord, we perish,” was their cry,
“O save us in our agony!”
Thy word above the storm rose high,
“Peace, be still.”

The wild winds hushed; the angry deep
Sank, like a little child, to sleep;
The sullen billows ceased to leap,
At Thy will.

So, when our life is clouded o’er,
And storm winds drift us from the shore,
Say, lest we sink to rise no more,
“Peace, be still.”

from the Cyber Hymnal

I thought… yeah… I should remember that when life’s troubles so assail me, so much so that I feel what is Jesus doing being asleep, wondering if He does care… I need to remember that He does have the power to settle things down. And He does care. Just like He did care before, He will care again now.

Because unlike us fickle people whose words can’t always be trusted and change over time, Jesus is always the same! He is true to His Word and He is faithful to His characters!

Come, sinners, to the living One,
He’s just the same Jesus
As when He raised the widow’s son,
The very same Jesus.

Refrain
The very same Jesus,
The wonder working Jesus;
Oh praise His Name, He’s just the same
The very same Jesus.

Come, feast upon the living Bread,
He’s just the same Jesus
As when the multitudes He fed,
The very same Jesus.
Refrain

Come, tell Him all your griefs and fears,
He’s just the same Jesus
As when He shed those loving tears,
The very same Jesus.
Refrain

Still follow Him for clearer light,
He’s just the same Jesus
As when He gave the blind their sight,
The very same Jesus.
Refrain

Then calm ’midst waves of trouble be,
He’s just the same Jesus
As when He hushed the raging sea,
The very same Jesus.
Refrain

Some day our raptured eyes shall see
He’s just the same Jesus
Oh, blessèd day for you and me!
The very same Jesus.
Refrain

by Eliza E Hewitt as found in the Cyber Hymnal

And somehow, I find that to be very comforting today…

And because I know it is through His Word that I know Him, and that I get to hear His promises… It is His Word that I need to keep going back to. Especially at this time of temptations and trials. When I really feel the guile of Satan, who seeks me by night and day, to rob me of the treasure I have of Christ, and the hope of bliss away…

I know my faith is founded
On Jesus Christ, my God and Lord;
And this my faith confessing,
Unmoved I stand upon His Word.
Man’s reason cannot fathom
The truth of God profound;
Who trusts her subtle wisdom
Relies on shifting ground.
God’s Word is all sufficient,
It makes divinely sure,
And trusting in its wisdom,
My faith shall rest secure.

Increase my faith, dear Savior,
For Satan seeks by night and day
To rob me of this treasure
And take my hope of bliss away.
But, Lord, with Thee beside me,
I shall be undismayed;
And led by Thy good Spirit,
I shall be unafraid.
Abide with me, O Savior,
A firmer faith bestow;
Then I shall bid defiance
To every evil foe.

In faith, Lord, let me serve Thee;
Though persecution, grief and pain
Should seek to overwhelm me,
Let me a steadfast trust retain;
And then at my departure
Take Thou me home to Thee
And let me there inherit
All Thou hast promised me.
In life and death, Lord, keep me
Until Thy Heav’n I gain.
Where I by Thy great mercy
The end of faith attain.

by Erdmann Neumeister (translated) as found in the Cyber Hymnal.

I posted the pictures below in an online album with this explanation:

Some pictures/’posters’ I made for myself as reminders/notes to self =)

Because I’m not sure what will happen in the future and if I would ever delete my account over there or not, I decided to post this here also, as I seem to benefit more from things I posted here – that is, I do go back to my own posts from time to time to remind myself of the truths God has kindly taught me. And it’s usually easier to check things here rather than in that online account. =)

So, here they are…

Well, ok… I made this one for someone’s bday originally… which reminded me that I haven’t yet sent the postcard to him. Hmm…
But anyway, the verses at the top left hand corner remind me to keep looking up and seek my help from the LORD, who is not only the maker of heaven and earth, but also faithful watcher of us…
And the verses at the bottom right hand corner are my favourite verses ever and my continual prayer for self and others I care about =)

I did actually change the verse slightly in this one. Not because I think it’s OK to tamper with God’s word, but it was simply to suit the picture better. The meaning doesn’t change. And it was the birth of Pathi Harn that really highlights the verses at the top right hand corner, which in turn, highlights Job 40:1 even more…

Same with this one, I also tweaked the verses slightly, combining the beginning of v.21 with the verses printed above…

I like the verses above – as it doesn’t just remind me of the man who trusts in the LORD and what he is like, but also because of the context of the verse/passage. How the trust in the LORD is contrasted with trust in man and their power (v.5-6) and trust in self (v9-10), something that’s widely “proclaimed” by the world around us…

Love this one because it is a reminder of how this broken world is a passing world and that both the heavens and the earth will vanish like a smoke. We just have to look at creation and it is SO obvious that that is the case! But God’s salvation (as promised in His word) is forever, and He will forever be true to His character! =)

These are three of the songs that were sung on Saturday. Two were my choice (the only two songs I chose that day) and one was one of my sister’s favourite (although it could be that someone else chose it on Sat)…

Seasons In the Sun by Westlife

Goodbye to you my trusted friend
We’ve known each other since we were nine or ten
Together we’ve climbed hills and trees
Learned of love and ABC’s
Skinned our hearts and skinned our knees

…………

We had joy we had fun we had seasons in the sun
But the hills that we climbed were just seasons out of time
We had joy we had fun we had seasons in the sun
But the wine and the song like the seasons have all gone…

The Sound of Silence by Simon & Garfunkel

Hello darkness, my old friend
I’ve come to talk with you again…

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone…

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence…

Tong Hua (Fairy Tale) by Guang Liang

Ni ku zhe dui wo shuo
Tong hua li dou shi pian ren de
……

Wo hui bian cheng tong hua li
Ni ai de na ge tian shi
Zhang kai shuang shou
Bian cheng chi bang shou hu ni
Ni yao xiang xin
Xiang xin wo men hui xiang tong hua gu shi li
Xin fu he kuai le shi jie ju

Yi qi xie wo men de jie ju

And yet she died. Blessings and happiness is not the end…

Because this is real world. A real and broken world. Not a fairy tale…

There is an end to every season in our lives.

When I told people that I would never fly Grd again because of a bad experience, they usually said – “But why? It can’t be that bad. I mean, most of us who’d ever flown with Grd know that they are always delayed anyway. Can’t be that bad.”

To which I usually replied, “True. They do have bad reputation and track record. And people might still be willing to fly Grd again after they had experienced delays and all. I mean, take my brother for an example. If he can choose, he would prefer not to have to fly Grd. BUT, if it is considerably cheaper, he said he wouldn’t mind. So maybe that’s you. But as for me… even if they pay me to fly with them (not just giving me a free flight, but actually give me a free flight AND money on top of the free flight), I would not take the offer. I just would never fly Grd ever again!”

Overstatement, you think? =)

Hmmm… not so sure…

A few years back, my parents made a plan for me to travel around China with my brother. Because I was working already, and I wanted to be back home for Chinese New Year, I decided to fly back two days before my scheduled departure. So, if I’m meant to depart to China on Sunday, I decided to fly back home on Friday, spend the night at home, and then fly out on Sunday.

Now, my hometown is 4 hours drive from the airport.

But I thought with a flight home on Friday morning, scheduled to get to my home country in the afternoon then arriving home Friday night would still be OK.

What happened was, 6 am Friday morning, I got a call saying that my flight had been delayed. For 14 hours! It had become a night time flight! Imagine that!!

I was so furious! (Later on, I found out that some people didn’t actually even got the call and had to spend the 14 hours at the airport – after checking in!)

But I thought, at least I would get home on Saturday.

All Grd flights at that time had to transit in Bali. With a night time flight, we got to Bali a bit over midnight. After some confusion at the airport, we were taken to our hotel, where more confusion took place in the morning.

Anyway, somehow, the hotel/airport shuttle were so ill prepared and that instructions were not clear that we actually had to dragged around our suitcases around the airport (by this time, I had made several friends already and that’s why I was using “we” =)) – and it wasn’t just our hand luggage. It’s our whole baggages! Imagine that! Running around at the airport.

Then, after more confusion and we were assigned a 10 am flight. And after we checked in, we were told that our flight is actually broken and will be delayed until a lot later in the afternoon! But of course no one told us, we only found out somehow when we overheard others checking in!

One of my new friends were very brave and she said, let’s asked them to move us to another flight. So, we went around and around and tried to talk to a few different people, and then was allowed to change flight.

However, because we had checked in, our friend had to actually got into the plane (passing security gates, which was supposed to be a staff only area!!) to tell them which ones were our baggages to be moved to our new plane!

Then no one told us that the gate were changed and we were all waiting at the wrong gate!

Thankfully, we all made it to Jkt. But over 24 hours than the scheduled arrival – and it was a very eventful 24 hours!!

Of course having no working mobile and very limited money made the whole experience a really really bad nightmare!

Anyway, having a flight early the next day, my parents decided that I spent that night in an airport hotel with mum, and fly out of the country to travel around China the very next morning.

Imagine that! A two weeks travel around China after such an experience!!

To say that I did not enjoy my travel was such an understatement!

It was a real nightmare!

Not that the travel itself was help. It was very busy and rushed. But yeah, I think the bad start really ruined the whole two weeks! And I felt really bad because my parents paid so much money for me to enjoy the trip! But I was just sick and too tired!

And then, when I was back home to spend some time at home, I was so tired and so sick, I didn’t get to enjoy my time at home. And I felt so bad for my parents and family for being so tired and grumpy! But I was just too tired and angry (not at them, but at Grd for their unbelievable incompetency!!!)

And that’s why, even if someone paid me a lot of money – and by that I really mean A LOT (like 10k or even more), I still would not fly Grd again.

I just would not.

I would not even consider it.

Because there are a lot of things that can’t be measured by money. Time, for one, can’t be bought with money – no matter how much money you have… Time with your loved ones, and that precious togetherness and family time! Just can’t be bought at any price…

So yeah, I know, many people flew Grd and many people experienced delays. And at a glance, our experiences are equally “delays”. But the initial delay in my experience was followed by many other bad experiences as a result of that delay – directly and indirectly… And I just don’t think I’d ever be able to say that – it was a long delay, but it was fine…

It was not fine. My China trip was ruined. I hurt my parents’ hearts because I was too tired to enjoy the trip that they had spent so much money on, and because they felt bad for not being able to cancel the trip either (told them it wasn’t their fault). And yeah… as far as I’m concerned, too many bad things just happened following that delay, just because I chose to fly Grd.

I don’t blame God. God is in control and He knows what He is doing. And I just don’t blame God.

But I as I dragged my suitcases around, as I was delayed again and again in Bali, and as I travelled around China, I found myself kept saying – “even if they pay me, I would never ever fly Grd again.” (unless of course that would be the only way to meet my family – although with their track record, I doubt that would ever be the case. Although again, in this sinful world, nothing is predictable…)

But yeah… as I said, to someone who only heard me saying that I’d never fly Grd because of a very bad experience, without knowing the full story, they might think I was overreacting. But they don’t have the full picture! They really don’t know what they were talking about when saying that I’m stupid / strange for not being willing to fly Grd again, esp if they pay me…

But hey, they were not the ones who went through that! And even if they do get my full story, they still weren’t the ones who had to go through that experience! And they might have different body to mine (i.e. maybe they are stronger than me), less emotionally sensitive, and have different relationships/closeness to their family members…

But I went through what I went through, and I’m telling you, even if they pay me, I’d never ever fly Grd again. Because you just never know. Too many bad things might follow that one delay….

I didn’t ask Grd for compensation – though I felt like to!! But yeah, pay me, and I still would not fly Grd! =)

July 2009

October 2009

December 2009

March 2010

July 2010

July 2010

July 2010